i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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