last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
