you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
