Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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