I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
