He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
