dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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