I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
