Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
