WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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