youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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