Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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