Little spoons don't ask big questions
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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