Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
