Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
