that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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