Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
