dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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