I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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