How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
