We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I did not marry a roomba.
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