No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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