just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
