you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Randomize
