conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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