Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
