why didn't you poke me back
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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