Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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