You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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