so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize