He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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