Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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