Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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