So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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