Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
