either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
