from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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