sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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