dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
