my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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