I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
