Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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