I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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