the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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