You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
