It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
