I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
