There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
