I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
