I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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