don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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