she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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