It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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