Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
