Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
