I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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