i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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